11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.