who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
