I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My feet surprised me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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