At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My life is pants optional.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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