Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The power of my boobs compel you
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
