Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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