Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
