I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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