did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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