youre lurking in front of me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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