"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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