Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
