from now on my penis is your penis
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
