I could make wine with my vomit
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
