and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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