at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
