we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
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It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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