well I can't set my house on fire every night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
