I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
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Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
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I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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