a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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