she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
