Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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