I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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