I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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