She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
