I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
