the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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