Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
