I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
