nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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