If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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