I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.