Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.