Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.