I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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