would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
