He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
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hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it