She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.