My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm too high and old for this...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
