Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
