I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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