I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
bring money and cleavage
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
