i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
