I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
