He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
