Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
