just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
