So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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