you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.