had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
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I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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