I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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