Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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